Will My on Again Off Again Boyfriend Come Back in Years

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Today nosotros're going to be talking most on-again and off-again relationship advice, specifically, what you should be doing if you observe yourself in one of those situations or have always establish yourself in an on-again, off-over again relationship.

Nosotros're going to hear from a woman named Jennifer who is going through a really difficult fourth dimension, and is having trouble deciphering what she should be doing in her own relationship, if she should go dorsum with her ex, who is in the off-over again phase of their relationship, or if she should but simply movement on.

So I don't similar wasting a lot of time, so let's just hear from Jennifer right now.

A Existent On Again Off Again Relationship Question

"Hello Chris. My proper noun is Jennifer, and me and my ex are 29. Nosotros were together for 13 years and lived together. We had some rockiness, just nosotros always came back together and made information technology work. In 2018, we broke up and he took it more seriously than I did. Had dated, may even had sexual practice a little bit.

Just information technology didn't piece of work and we eventually rekindled.

He came back and told me everything he needs is with me. He wanted to work it out. We were happy and everything seemed neat. We talked well-nigh our future together and he was incredibly sweetness and affectionate, but my insecurities got the best of me. At times I acted irrational over stupid things which is the goad it is [inaudible 00:01:17] break up later all only a year from the previous 1.

Now he believes there is a better fit for united states of america again, simply does not want to engagement for a while.

We're tied to this apartment and I talk so much of this interrogating him time later on time. He withal loves me and cares, but doesn't meet a future with me anymore. Is no no contact still an option later on I broke it so many times?

I yet want to be his friend and I withal want to be around him and so it doesn't feel right to get rid of it. Nosotros had a adept and lengthy relationship."

A Recap Of Jennifers Situation

At present it'southward a blatantly obvious after hearing Jennifer's situation that she'south going through a actually difficult time.

And then hopefully what we tin can practice with this podcast episode is give her some clarity on if her ex still cares and likewise requite anyone who's going through a similar situation to Jennifer or has gone through a like state of affairs to Jennifer, some clarity on what they should exist doing. What's the best way to approach the on over again, off once more relationship.

So first off, allow's do a quick epitomize of what Jennifer's state of affairs is.

And so obviously the person who called is named Jennifer,
she'south 29 years old and she'south been with her ex together for over 13 years.
So this is the one human relationship in her entire life that has lasted longer than anything other than her maybe familial type relationships.
She's been with this person for 13 years. Only imagine how many firsts that they've experienced together. Right?
So they're currently in an on again, off once again relationship.
Now, the latest iteration of the breakdown happened in 2022 but information technology seems like he took it a little flake more than seriously.
But since and then they've kind of been on again a petty bit. They've had sexual activity together.
He seems like he wants to work it out.
They talked nearly the future, only she still felt insecure, which is a very obvious when you've gone through the trauma of an on again off once again relationship for over 13 years.
Now he wants to interruption upwardly for skillful. He says he doesn't want to appointment anyone for a while, which I think is a blatant lie most men will tell. And he doesn't come across a time to come with her.
And so is no contact an choice in her particular situation subsequently information technology's been broken and so many times.

At that place'southward so many things to unravel here.

Just Get-go… A Quiz To Help Yous

Hey, I simply wanted to make a quick pause in the episode here to let y'all know that no matter what, no affair what state of affairs you find yourself in, the very first affair that you should ever determine is if you lot have a chance with your ex.

If you lot're going through a breakdown and are kind of figuring out what you should do next, that is always the first place that you should start. Now, luckily on my website, exboyfriendrecovery.com I've put together a special quiz that's designed to answer this exact question for you.

The whole quiz should only accept you almost two minutes long.

It'south really like shooting fish in a barrel and information technology gives y'all an idea of your judge chances of getting your ex back, what we think you lot should be doing and some next steps going forward. So if yous're interested in taking that quiz, all you have to practice is only click pause on the podcast.

Or if you're watching this on YouTube, just look into the description link of the YouTube video and click on the link you see in that location.

Just if y'all're listening to this on the podcast, click pause on the podcast, go to your telephone or wherever you're listening to this from, and go to our website, exboyfriendrecovery.com and you'll be able to run into the prompts for the quiz on the abode page.

All right, allow's go back to the episode.

Why Are People So Prone To Enter Into On Once more Off Again Relationships?

All right, and then I think one of the biggest things that we need to determine first is why are people and then prone to enter into on again, off again, relationships.

They seem completely unhealthy, but enquiry has suggested that they're actually really common. Over two thirds or near two thirds of adults accept experienced an on again off over again relationship, at to the lowest degree one time in their lives.

But why are we subjecting ourselves to this pain?

Well. I want y'all to listen to what Jennifer had to say?

She was maxim things like,

I nevertheless want to exist his friend. I all the same want to be around him. It doesn't experience right to become rid of it. We've had a good and lengthy human relationship.

So if you didn't already know, I'm a big proponent of something called the summit stop rule, which basically determines how human beings call back experiences, whether that's positive or negative.

They found that usually the human encephalon is not smashing at processing every single aspect of an unabridged experience.

So instead what it does, it will remember two distinct points, the peak of the experience and the end of the experience.

So the peak of the experience obviously being the most exciting or engaging part of the experience and the end of the experience being the actual stop of the experience. So what I remember tends to happen when people enter into these on once more off again relationships is it's a piffling bit of the peak end dominion at work.

They tend to forget kind of the difficult aspects of the relationship and only retrieve the peak parts of the relationship. Some more interesting, heady parts.

And so they, in essence romanticize the past.

That's a fiddling bit of what a Jennifer's doing.

But I retrieve at that place's also another attribute that's actually not talked a lot nigh. So Jennifer is in this really fascinating situation where she'due south only 29 years one-time and she's been with this person for xiii years. So most of her entire dating life has been spent with this ane person.

Only imagine how much that she has invested into the relationship, not just time, but energy and mental free energy. Monetary aspects have been invested into this human relationship. She feels like if she lets the human relationship go it'south going to be kind of similar a waste product of her time.

All that time is going to be invested for nothing.

The Five Types Of On Again Off Again Relationships

And in an odd fashion I recollect that her ex really probably feels the same, which is why he keeps coming dorsum. Now, one of the interesting things that happened when I was researching on what I was actually going to say for this podcast episode was, I like to practice actual research.

And so I base of operations everything on science and as well what I know to exist true based on my ain internal research here at the Ex Swain Recovery.

And one of the all-time places that you can find bodily scientific data is the website Psychology Today. So manifestly when I started researching on once more off again relationships, a whole bunch of articles popped upward. I read a few, but what's ever interesting, I find about Psychology today, they're absolutely one of the best websites for learning about sort of scientific blazon things.

Just oftentimes they'll quote studies that are done past really incredible professors, psychologists, psychotherapists, that whole spiel.

But they only kind of option and cull the data points that they're really going to talk about. And so they read the whole study or maybe not even reading the whole study. They just accept access to the written report and they choice some of the parts that they think are the most important parts and they include that in their manufactures.

Well that obviously doesn't give you all of the details of the report. In 1 of the on once more off again a human relationship sort of articles. I came beyond a study that they were citing called a dimensional approach to characterizing on again and off once again, romantic relationships. It was done by, it looks similar four professors from Austin, Texas and a few universities in Seoul, S Korea.

And so anyways, I downloaded this PDF document. It'southward it's actually, really long document, looks to be like 200 pages long. And I didn't read the whole matter.

I just read exactly the part that I was sort of picking and choosing. But they, Psychology Today commodity left out a really, actually important affair.

And that's the fact that there are really v types of on once more and off again, relationships. And as I was reading through this, information technology's merely amazing and uncanny how frequently yous tin can actually bespeak to this type and say, "Okay, this person's actually this type."

And then what are the five types of on over again, off once more relationships?

Blazon #1: The Habitual Blazon

Well, the first blazon is called the habitual type.

Now this is where the relationship feels relatively piece of cake and they've gotten actually into the habit and don't want to get rid of the habit of sort of the human relationship.

So what does that mean?

Well, it'due south sort of like the whole matter, they've gotten grown so used to what the human relationship habits are like that when the habits are taken away, they kind of don't like that and they want to get back into the relationship. And they usually stay in that on again off once more relationship until they find someone better looking or that volition amend meet what they feel their needs are.

Then that'southward the first type of on once again off once again relationships.

Blazon #2: The Mismatched Blazon

The second type is called the mismatched blazon.

This is where partners have incongruent quality such every bit personalities and desires or even geographical distance or schedules conflicting.

And then this is the whole long distance relationship kind of a situation where a person feels like they can't practise long altitude anymore and so they either regret information technology or they're long altitude situation changes and they're back into relationship or the schedules conflict.

So that'due south where similar, "Oh, school is too hard. I have to break up right now." Or, "Oh I want to focus on my career, I have to break up right now."

And then side by side thing you lot know, they're back with the person once again.

So that's the second blazon of on once more off once more relationship.

Type #3: Capitalization of Transitions

The third type is chosen capitalize on transitions.

So this is people who wanted to use the breakup every bit a test to manage the issues or create opportunities to better their human relationship.

So I found this fascinating.

This was the but i of the, if not the simply type of on again off once again human relationship that's actually saw a positive net change if a reconnection was made.

So I'm going to talk a niggling bit about those capitalize on transitions type of on again off again relationships as nosotros grow later on into the podcast episode. But let'due south proceed on down the five types of on again off once again, relationships.

Blazon #four: Gradual Separation

Type number 4 was called gradual separation.

So this is where the ii people somewhen realize that the relationship was not going to work or they were no longer interested in continuing the relationship.

Here's the matter though, it only took them an extremely long time to realize it.

Not also much to unpack hither.

Type #v: Controlling Partner

And finally nosotros have number five, which is a controlling partner type of on again off again human relationship.

This is where one partner controls the progression of the human relationship or would utilise manipulation or control tactics to go back together.

Correct? So when you look at Jennifer's situation, just hearing that little blurb, to me information technology seems like a either a habitual type of on again off once more relationship, which is sort of what I'thousand going to sort of say that she's currently in, which is where the habits are so ingrained over 13 years that her partner but kind of tends to want to get back in the relationship.

But where she's declining, in my opinion, is that she'due south not capitalizing on the transitions.

Correct? Then I'll talk about that in a trivial flake.

Are On Again Off Once again Relationships Salubrious?

Just get-go things beginning, permit'southward actually tackle a bigger question and that is whether on over again, off again, relationships are actually healthy.

So what's interesting is recent inquiry would actually suggest that rebound relationships are healthy.

So if you break upwardly with someone, become on the rebound, it's really a slap-up way of getting over the person you were just with. Just is that kind of true in an on, again, off again relationship?

Well, if y'all really look at the situation where a rebound human relationship is involved, you lot're actually … There's a breakup occurring with you lot and your ex. Correct? And so you are moving on to someone new.

And even though it's morally greyness, you're actually using that someone new to get over the feel. And sometimes using that someone new can blossom into a cracking relationship.

But the aforementioned thing doesn't necessarily piece of work within on again off again relationships.

So think of it similar this, with rebound relationships, y'all're breaking up with your ex and moving on to someone new, an on again off again relationship is you are breaking up with your ex and and so yous're not moving on to someone new, you're moving on to your ex again.

So it'south actually constitute to be kind of united nations-wellness. There are some a fly in the ointments here, there where there are some studies that say information technology tin can be salubrious, but I retrieve that'due south only in cases where people capitalized on transitions.

Tin can On Once more Off Once again Relationships Ever Work?

So tin they work?

So you've been in this on again off once more relationship.

We've adamant that, "Yeah, it'southward not necessarily the most healthy situation." Can they work well?

Yes, information technology can absolutely work.

Yous see, in my opinion, at that place are ii types of on again off once more relationships.

The kickoff blazon is those who grow.
And the second blazon is those who don't.

This is what enquiry has suggested based on the research findings that I cited. Where the i couple or the one person that seemed to have a positive net change if an bodily reconnection was made, were those who actually capitalized on transitions.

Where they wanted to use the human relationship as a test to manage the bug or they used it equally an opportunity to ameliorate the relationship. So again, that was the only blazon of on again off once more relationship that saw a positive modify.

That'south what I hateful by those who abound.

So if you're going to get into an on once again off again relationship, y'all need to view it in that way.

The problems that caused the human relationship to begin with need to be talked about. You need to learn some advice skills and you actually need to do a lot of research nearly what it takes to make a healthy human relationship work.

But here'southward the thing, frequently people who are in situations with on again off again, relationships fail to realize what type of on again off over again relationship they're really in. So I've cited so far, five types of on again off once again relationships and basically honed in on one type where, "Hey, information technology can work out if you lot're this type."

But more times than non, people are in those habitual type of relationships. They are in those mismatched type of relationships. They are in gradual separation. Sometimes they are trying to get back with the controlling partner in which you should never do.

So the question at present becomes, is there a right way to transition into the on over again phase?

And in my opinion, admittedly.

The Right Way To Transition Into The "On Again" Phase

There'southward an accented way that you should transition into this on over again phase if you discover yourself in the on again off again human relationship. S

o the program that nosotros teach, nosotros've had vii years to define this now.

So we've refined this procedure time and fourth dimension once again so that we tin can figure out what'south best for these on again off again relationships. The program that we teach allows women time to assess the breakup, time to work on their own personal growth and time to determine if they really desire to become dorsum together.

Now the bedrock of our program, Jennifer mentioned, and that'southward the no contact rule.

Now before you whorl your eyes and say, "I've heard this a one thousand thousand times before, Chris." Or, "Information technology doesn't piece of work."

I want you lot to sympathize how nosotros use the no contact rule.

So if you don't know, I've written about the no contact rule a zillion times on Ex Beau Recovery.

I've done a zillion YouTube videos on it.

I've done a zillion podcast episodes on it.

Then I don't call back I need to explicate to y'all what the no contact rule is.

Simply for the the spare viewer in that location, who's listening in is thinking, what the heck is the no contact rule?

Here is what it is.

The no contact rule is but a menstruation of time where you lot ignore your ex with the intent on making them miss you, merely also at the aforementioned time giving yourself some time to cultivate your own personal life.

And I would add onto that definition, giving you time to determine if you want to get dorsum with your ex or not. Right? So what's dissimilar about the way that we use the no contact dominion every bit compared to our competitors?

For instance, what our competitors often only focus on the missing your ex office. So they're thinking, well, if you ignore your ex, they're going to miss you and then by default they're going to want you back.

Nosotros actually don't look at it that way.

So we like to sort of divide it upwardly into three phases.

In that location's a period of time on what you're supposed to be doing before the no contact dominion
A catamenia of time of what you're supposed to exist doing during the no contact rule
And a period of time on what you should be doing after the no contact rule.

Then let's take a little moment and describe what you should be doing during each of those three phases.

Phase One: Before The No Contact Rule

So phase one is there earlier the no contact rule phase.

So this is where yous're going to exist doing a breakup assessment, determining whether or non yous're in an ideal state of affairs to get dorsum with your ex or not.

Y'all're going to learn nigh what the no contact dominion is.

So many of you listening to this entire podcast episode are probably in the before the no contact dominion phase. What you lot're failing to do is yous're declining to larn the ins and the outs of everything related to the no contact rule.

Then for instance, well-nigh people can't do a strict no contact dominion straight up because they live with their ex, similar Jennifer. Most people can practice it because they're meaning, they take children with their ex, they work with their ex.

What do yous do in those situations?

That is what you're supposed to be doing before y'all do a no contact rule.

You demand to do all of your leg piece of work, all of your homework so that you know what you're getting yourself into.

This is besides a time for yous to interpret your ex's behavior and try to understand what'southward really going through his listen and adopt an action oriented mindset. And then in that location's a deviation between understanding something and implementing something.

So this is everything you lot're supposed to be doing before you go into a no contact rule.

Just what well-nigh what you're supposed to be doing during the no contact rule?

Stage Two: During The No Contact Rule

So allow's say during the no contact rule, you've learned everything about the no contact rule.

Yous're implementing information technology. You accept that activeness oriented mindset. Y'all are notwithstanding a picayune unclear on whether or not you want your ex dorsum, but you've taken some time to interpret his beliefs so that you lot tin can improve sympathize what'due south going through his listen.

This menses is basically spent on y'all. Right? So yous're going to be learning about concepts similar the value ladder, what un-gettable ways. You're going to acquire about what we consider to exist the Holy Trinity, health, wealth, relationships and how those interact and the synergy between them.

You're going to larn how you should be handling your social media profiles, what you should be posting, what you should exist saying, what'south the the okay things to do, what are not the okay things to do. And also yous're going to learn about what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship. That's an important part for someone who's in an on again, off again relationship considering learning what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship is something that almost no one does when they enter into that on once again stage again.

Stage 3: After The No Contact Rule

Then far we've talked most what to do before the no contact dominion, what you should exist doing during the no contact rule, just what nigh after the no contact rule?

Here'due south what we find is fascinating.

People who heed to u.s.a., people who go through this breakup phase, they dissever the no contact dominion into the 3 phases, before, during and afterward.

People actually exercise what they're supposed to do earlier and what they're supposed to be doing during the no contact dominion oftentimes accept a much different outlook after the no contact dominion is over.

This is really where they can exercise their real soul searching. They can really make up one's mind, practice they want to move on or do they want to attempt to reestablish contact and reconnect and acquire to maintain a healthy relationship? This is that moment. This is the frame of mind that you should be in when you do everything.

A lot of times people make impulse decisions when it comes to getting dorsum with an ex. I'm not dumb. I know, I've seen, I've been there. I know exactly what it's similar when you lot go through a breakup and some of the decisions that you make. It'southward cypher against you lot.

Remember when emotions run high logic runs low. That's been sort of a phrase that everyone's been saying for years. Right? Oftentimes the decision to, "Hey, I desire to get back with my ex is done in an extreme emotional state of mind. But after you've got some fourth dimension to call up virtually information technology, after yous've worked on the important aspects that you lot're supposed to exist working on after a breakup, that'south when you should make up one's mind whether or not you want to motility on or endeavour to reestablish contact and reconnect with your ex.

Because what we find is it'due south literally fifty/l. Half the people who go through the no contact rule and do everything as suggested, will still want their ex's back and half of the people will not. They see their ex for what they really are. They desire to move on. They want to take a better version of a relationship than they had with their ex. There's naught wrong with either approach, simply my whole point is before you make a big decision, like whether or non y'all want to get back with your ex, you should determine whether or not he's worth getting back. Now, why am I going through all of this for Jennifer, who'due south 29 years old? She's got plenty of time to find and settle downwards. She'southward been with this person for 13 years. While that's merely it. She's been with this person for 13 years. They've been off again on again, probably for most of that time.

What she needs to do more than than anything is determine if he'southward worth getting dorsum with. But she can't do that right at present because she'southward going through a really highly emotional time. She needs to divide things and simplified things up into these three phases and then after she's gone through all of the piece of work, brand that decision. But the beautiful part is even when you're going through that earlier the no contact rule phase. Even when you're learning about that during the no contact rule stage, you lot're yet learning virtually what you lot should do if you lot want to get your ex back and if you want to motion on. That'southward all role of working on yourself.

I did an episode once where I interviewed a adult female, I retrieve her name was Veronica Grant. She'south a real squeamish girl. She had adopted this mindset that I think is worth adopting. It's called dating yourself. Right? A lot of people don't date themselves. They don't spend fourth dimension to work on themselves or do sort of nice things for themselves after a breakup. They simply showtime obsessing about what their ex is doing, who their ex is, seeing things of that nature. But this is a time to date yourself. And then afterward you come out the other stop of that 1 to ii month time period, yous'll exist in a frame of mind to make a decision on whether yous desire to move on or attempt to reestablish, contact, and reconnect.

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